Weirdos of Real Estate: Tom Vu

Hey gang, I'm taking a break from the Okinawa recaps to start a new feature here on the old blogster, "Weirdos of Real Estate". From the bench ads to infomercials, there are a lot of weirdos in real estate. I have amassed a compendium of images, still and moving, and am thrilled to share them with you all. Without any further ado, I give you number one with a bullet: Tom Vu.


Tom Vu is a 1980s/90s icon. He is an entrepreneur, family man, humanitarian (as reported by the Orlando tribune) and real estate mogul. If you watched TV late at night, you saw him. I used to sleep with the TV on to block out the noise of my parents' late-night pool parties. And it was during these midnight hours that I was first introduced to the splendor that is Mr. Vu.

For those of you who don't remember, Tom Vu presented a series of late night infomercials which informed you that he knew the answers to great financial success. He urged you to sign up for his unique real estate seminars. It appears that he called up some local college students and paid em $50 bucks to create these mini-masterpieces. Rather than attempt to describe how odd and perverse these videos were, simply enjoy for yourselves.

(Vu in 2005)

Shopkeeping, Yokohama pt. 3

Sorry again for the lapse in posts, gang. I haven't been sleeping well, lately. I've started drinking a little bit of Chicha (a Venezuelan liquor) just before bed and that seems to help. But it gives me weird dreams. I'll go into those later, but I really want to finish the stuff about Japan. So, watashitachi ha tachi saru (Away we go!).

Hortense knew before we arrived that during our stay she would help her grandmother run the family shop. Yokohama Broom Co. located in the famed factory district has been selling and making brooms since 1910. While the rest of the area has been gentrified, cleaned up and modernized so that young artists and families could settle and spend, the broom shop remains frozen in time. Take a look:

(Yokohama Broom Co.)

Hortense couldn't believe it. Ironically, the place could use a good sweeping and there were zero customers the whole day, week, month she worked there. Her grandmother just sat behind the counter, watching a small TV and reading gossip magazines. The back room was filled with old treated straw, dowels of varying sizes and a sewing machine that looked like a liability. After a couple hours of picking up, cleaning and tea, Hortense asked her grandmother if she should go make some more brooms. "When we run out, we'll make more," Yukio told her, without looking up from her variety show. In the days following, Hortense knew to bring a book and her ipod. But that first day was just grueling boredom. She tried asking Yukio about the history of the shop (H.'s mother only mentioned it once or twice), but her grandmother gave the briefest answers, during commercial breaks.

(Yukio's Favortie TV show, Hansamu sûtsu "The Handsome Suit")

The shop was more popular in the first half of the century (obviously) but with the advent of vacuums and Roombas business has been on the wane. Toshi kept telling Yukio to sell the shop, especially as their age and the property value increased. But, Yukio refused to budge; it had been a family business and will remain so until her death. Her master plan is to leave the shop to Hortense, who can sell it if she'd like and keep the immense profit (talk of inheritance makes H. and I anxious, her grandparents are more prepared for their deaths than either of us).

H. asked her grandmother if anyone even came into the shop. "Gangsters," Yukio said. "They come in asking if I want to be in business with them. They want to use the shop as a front. But I tell them I want no dealings with Yakuza. Different mob families offer me millions but I want clean hands when I die." Hortense was gobsmacked. Immediately, she wanted to close the shop and sell it off. She couldn't bear the thought of this elderly, frail woman dealing with thugs. "Let's leave, call the police, sell the shop, relocate, too, I bet they know where you live." H. was a hummingbird flitting around a tortoise. But Yukio kept watching TV and told her not to worry. Her stillness did nothing to calm H. Who knows if any of it was true. Yukio suffers from dementia and it's been getting worse. She asks Hortense at least ten times a day who the round eye is staying at their house. Sometimes, she calls Toshi Mr. Yamata and asks how his ferns are doing.

At dinner that night, Hortense alarmingly relayed the days events, hoping that Toshi would convince his wife to close the store for good. "Everything else may go," he smiled, "but she'll still wake up every morning with the desire to get to the store." Hortense avoided another blowup and just stomped upstairs. I was again left in awkward silence with her increasingly senile grandparents.

Eel fishing on the Ooka, Yokohama part 2

Having crash landed into this neo-Nippon lifestyle, things slowly evened out throughout the week. Toshi, though retired from a commercial fishing business, still went out eel fishing in the Ooka river three times a week. He sells his catch at the market or brings some home for Yukio to cook. I went with him during the days while he set out his traps. It's funny, I always thought of eel as swampland creatures and that really scary part in Princess Bride. But, eel is a favorite food among the Japanese, I soon found out why (so good, the sauce is amazing). Eel fishing, itself, is a fascinating process and Toshi’s process is more intriguing. He still fishes with traps he used in the 50s and 60s. These traps are controversial as they are electrically charged. If an eel swims through, it is zapped and killed instantaneously, therefore, the eel does not need to be brought out of the water and bashed in the head ‘til it stops flopping around (the common practice). The traps were designed by a French engineer but, due to cost, never caught on with the mainstream fishing outfits.

Toshi's Electric Eel Trap

I have to say these traps seem to be the least cruel way to catch eel (just like the lobster electrocuter). But then, of course, Hortence found out.


Being a strict vegan and PETA spokesperson, she could not believe that I would practice such cruelty. She even fought with her grandfather. She called Toshi’s traps cruel and unfair, “at least with regular eel fishing (using lures and hooks) the eel has a fighting chance. What you’re doing is no worse than what the Americans did, dropping the bomb on your family.” Toshi’s father and mother were among those who suffered the worst radiation poisoning from Nakasaki. He was out on a destroyer, and heard the news over the radio. Immediately after saying this, Hortence stormed upstairs.

The more primitive eel fishing method.

I was left to apologize, in my pathetic Japanese. I tried to explain that she loses control when it comes to animal issues. She once screamed, “I’ll skin your fucking mother, cut off her tits and make slippers from her muff,” to a rabbit farmer’s children. The other protesters (naked and covered in blood) told her to take a breath and calm down. I think the reality and pressure of taking care of two independent, stubborn and feisty adults was beginning to sink in. And, again, my role was to be supportive. That night Hortence was crying. “I’ve never spoken to my grandfather that way.” I felt bad for her. She’s slowly losing her only family. I wouldn’t know how to process those feelings, either.

Me holding our biggest catch in July '08

I'm Back!! Yokohama pt. 1

Just like Fast Eddie Felson at the end of "The Color of Money", I'm back. It's been a crazy year and a bit so allow me to fill you in.



First, Hortense and I left quite abruptly in October of 07 to visit her ailing Grandparents in Japan. They raised Hortense after her parents passed and are her only living family, so as soon as she heard that they were having trouble getting around and couldn't afford a live-in nurse, we zipped on down to Yokohama for an undetermined amount of time. Upon arriving, I couldn't help notice how metropolitan it was, a lot like Chicago (or the Chicago I've seen from John Hughes movies). Hortense's grandparents, Yukio and Toshi, live in the Izumi-ku ward, a suburb which resembles many American burgs.

(Yokohama View)

When we got there, I couldn't believe how spry and jovial the couple was. Making jokes about my height and hairy arms, while Yukio made us tea with little cakes from a local bakery. This did not seem like a couple on their way out. Until they started getting ready for bed.

What Hortense and I didn't realize is that Toshi has a colostomy bag. He conceals it pretty well under a bright blue windbreaker. He can't afford the disposable bags so he has to empty it throughout the day. Our first night there, he emptied it and the smell was awful. It physically knocked me out. We were jet-lagged and exhausted, but the smell kept us from passing out. Hortense kept apologizing but it wasn't her fault and I wanted to support her, so I kept telling her it wasn't that bad. Even though it was.

(Colostomy Bag)

Yukio has been in decline and succumbing to varying forms of dementia. While I didn't notice at first, H. wondered why Yukio wasn't speaking. She smiled and laughed politely but restricted her speech to monosyllabic words. Yukio had a minor stroke late last year and this must be one of the side effects. Yukio thought she might be misinterpreting her grandmother's shyness with me; but apparently she'd always been a gregarious woman. The next morning, H. woke me in a panic, "Grandma's paralyzed", she cried.

Toshi hurried upstairs to see what was wrong and then laughed once he saw why H. was distraught. In addition to becoming mute, Yukio now suffers from sleep paralysis. It's common among stroke victims; for the first few minutes upon waking, Y. lays in bed unable to move. Her body still thinks she's asleep, even though her brain is awake and conscious. H. became more and more frustrated every day because she wanted to speak to her grandmother about her experience and empathize, but she could only offer her sympathy. I wonder what Yukio felt or thought, if anything.

(Yukio and Toshi Mori)

Buzz Factor: Cloud 9

Hey guys. Well, it's no secret that I love (capital L) "Mystery, Alaska". It's got a lot of heart and is one of those rare movies that makes you stand up and cheer. And, I think Russell Crowe's performance as Sheriff John Biebe is better than Maximus, John Nash and SID 6.7, combined. Anyway, the heart of that film is Burt Reynolds as Coach Walter Burns; he is a constant inspiration (I hear him cheering me on at the gym, Hortence always makes fun of me for this). So, imagine my surprise and elation to find the film "Cloud 9" on the bottom shelf of my local Hollywood Video. The film tells the story of a con-artist who brings together a bunch of strippers to start a volleyball team. On premise alone the movie is a ten. But couple that with a fantastic, ispiring (again) performance by Reynolds and you have a winner. Not to mention the return of special appearances by A-list stars (more movies need to have special appearances.) I don't want to give too much away, watch the trailer below and enjoy.

Undiscovered Talent: Glenn Hoeffner

We are introducing a new feature here at Matty Q., called "Undiscovered Talent". If there's anything that "America's Got Talent" taught me, it's that there is so much untapped and deserving talent in this country. So I am going to do my best to bring you some of these diamonds in the rough. Today's precious stone comes in the form of California native, Glenn Hoeffner. He has starred in a string of short and student films, but we want him to break through. A starring role, a supporting player or extra- just get Glenn on the screen!! Watch this performance from an "original" production, below:

Plagiarism White!

Don't know if you all are aware, but the new Amanda Bynes movie opens this weekend. This is an atrocity! The premise of this blatant facsimile is that Snow White is now Sydney White and she must live with seven dorks in her first year of college. But, the world seems to have forgotten that Sam Bobrick, ingenious creator of SBTB (Saved By the Bell, for fans), already accomplished this modernization 12 years ago in the episode "Snow White and the Seven Dorks" (sound familiar?). I urge you to, please, write to the head of Warner Bros. (Warner Ho's) and tell them to fire writer Chad Creasey (Chad Greasy). If not, at least send a big fat check to Mr. Bobrick and Mr. Belding and his Bayside students (I'm sure most of them could use it these days). And most importantly, do not spend your money to see Sydney White!!

Compare for yourself:

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