Buzz Factor: Cloud 9

Hey guys. Well, it's no secret that I love (capital L) "Mystery, Alaska". It's got a lot of heart and is one of those rare movies that makes you stand up and cheer. And, I think Russell Crowe's performance as Sheriff John Biebe is better than Maximus, John Nash and SID 6.7, combined. Anyway, the heart of that film is Burt Reynolds as Coach Walter Burns; he is a constant inspiration (I hear him cheering me on at the gym, Hortence always makes fun of me for this). So, imagine my surprise and elation to find the film "Cloud 9" on the bottom shelf of my local Hollywood Video. The film tells the story of a con-artist who brings together a bunch of strippers to start a volleyball team. On premise alone the movie is a ten. But couple that with a fantastic, ispiring (again) performance by Reynolds and you have a winner. Not to mention the return of special appearances by A-list stars (more movies need to have special appearances.) I don't want to give too much away, watch the trailer below and enjoy.

Undiscovered Talent: Glenn Hoeffner

We are introducing a new feature here at Matty Q., called "Undiscovered Talent". If there's anything that "America's Got Talent" taught me, it's that there is so much untapped and deserving talent in this country. So I am going to do my best to bring you some of these diamonds in the rough. Today's precious stone comes in the form of California native, Glenn Hoeffner. He has starred in a string of short and student films, but we want him to break through. A starring role, a supporting player or extra- just get Glenn on the screen!! Watch this performance from an "original" production, below:

Plagiarism White!

Don't know if you all are aware, but the new Amanda Bynes movie opens this weekend. This is an atrocity! The premise of this blatant facsimile is that Snow White is now Sydney White and she must live with seven dorks in her first year of college. But, the world seems to have forgotten that Sam Bobrick, ingenious creator of SBTB (Saved By the Bell, for fans), already accomplished this modernization 12 years ago in the episode "Snow White and the Seven Dorks" (sound familiar?). I urge you to, please, write to the head of Warner Bros. (Warner Ho's) and tell them to fire writer Chad Creasey (Chad Greasy). If not, at least send a big fat check to Mr. Bobrick and Mr. Belding and his Bayside students (I'm sure most of them could use it these days). And most importantly, do not spend your money to see Sydney White!!

Compare for yourself:

Versus

MacGregor Syndrome. America's Next Top Pandemic?

It was announced, today, that South Africa leads the world in cases of HIV/AIDS with over 1,000 AIDS related deaths per day. Even more staggering? A similar study found that the United States leads the world in cases of the terminal and incurable MacGregor Syndrome. With the first cases being recorded in 1997, the death rates have increased, annually. Today, it is estimated that every year 1.5 people succumb to MacGregor Syndrome in its final stages. The real trouble, however, is that little is known about the disease, whether it is a virus, cancer or vitamin deficiancy. The symptoms range from shortness of breath to loss of life and victims range from younger attractive women to elderly British men. The leading physician fighting this killer is Dr. Victor Fries. After his wife, Nora, contracted MacGregor's Syndrom in the mid-90s, Dr. Fries began a search for the cure. Unfortunately, Fries was so desperate, he turned to a life of crime (stealing diamonds from local museums, breaking out of asylums, etc.)


While his efforts produced a cure for the earlier stages of McG syndrome, the final stages remain terminal. Please, take the time to research and donate to the efforts to cure MacGregor syndrome before it spreads. Also, join my campaign in nominating Dr. Fries for the Nobel Prize in Medicine.


The Doctor and his wife in happier times.

Movie Pitch: K-9/11

The Pitch:
New York narcotics officer, Mike Dooley, has lost his girlfriend, the lead suspect in a murder case and his partner. But, in order to track down drug kingpin, Benny the Mule, Mike is assigned a new partner, Jerry Lee, a German Shepherd with an attitude. Just when Mike thinks his day can't get any worse, tragedy strikes in the form of a terrorist attack on American soil. Now, it is up to Mike and Jerry Lee to rescue the survivors, including Mike's ex-girlfriend. But can this crime-fighting odd couple catch the bad guy, get the girl and save New York all before dinner time?


The Breakdown:
K-9/11 tells the true story of animal rescue workers on September 11th. This film should appeal to fans of dog in action movies (Turner and Hooch, Top Dog and Air Bud 7: Parapoocher). And, while men will relate to Jim Belushi's hard-edged ruggedness, while women should be attracted to his soft-hearted ruggedness. Fans of ABC's "According to Jim" are an obvious target audience.

The Prediction:
$114 million opening five hours. $8 trillion worldwide.

GMILF!

Well, gang, last night was the Emmy's (why wasn't "The Wire" nominated?). Hortence and I watched the whole program (eesh!) and there were few moments of joy in the three hour + ordeal. First, American Ferrari won for Ugly Betty (did you know that she's attractive despite being fat and Mexican? good for her). Then, the clouds parted and Dame Helen Mirren won for her Prime Suspect series. Which leads me to today's topic. GMILFS. There are certain women over sixty who have not only maintained they hotness, but have accrued experience and confidence which only adds to their allure. Here, for debate, are my top 3 GMILFS. Feel free to comment with your own top GMILFS!!

#1 Helen Mirren (pictured with her Golden Globes). For the crime of giving me a boner- she is my prime suspect!

#2 Susan Sarandon. I wanna be in the Valley of her Elah. Elah. Elah.

#3 Reba McEntire. I'd like to ring her Southern Belles.

Meow Mix®

Last week, I grew my first whisker. This week, I am sorry to report, that no new whiskers have grown since that post. This is not all bad news, though I am slightly discouraged, because last night I had a revalatory dream. In it, I spoke no English. Instead, I meowed the whole time. I understood what I was saying and interacted with other cats. We walked the town together, rolled on the ground, together and I think at one point I grew a tail. They say you know you are fluent in a foreign language when you dream in that tongue. I can only hope that this means I am one step closer towards a complete metamorphosis into a feline critter.

PETA Pocket

Hey guys. Unfortunately, I'm a little down today. Hortence and I got into a huge fight. Yesterday, she and her friends from PETA got all painted up to protest the zoo. Even though I'm not a member, I thought I'd be a good boyfriend and drive them. Big Mistake! First of all, we didn't realize that last night was Roshashanna (sp?) so there was nobody there to see the protest (I told them not to picket Schmulie's Orthodox Zoo). Eventually, I took a couple of pictures and we decided to leave. But the real trouble came when we got home and I saw that my car looked like a bag of Skittles exploded all over it. There were rainbow stains everywhere. I tried to wash it off, but they didn't use water soluble paint!! I told Hortence that her stupid Peta friends better pay for a full detailing of my car. She told me not to call them stupid. Then, I accused her friend, Eden, of looking at her yellow body all day; I told her he wanted to make green babies with her. She got really defensive and slammed the door. We went to sleep angy (something couples should never do). We are both still mad at each other and neither of us likes to back down. I hope things get better, gang. Hortence hasn't been this mad since I called her a "Manilla Wafer" (she's half Filipino).

Hortence is the yellow one. You can totally see Eden (green) looking at her butt.

Musclini !

I know that everybody has heard of Little Hercules (the world's strongest boy- real name: Richard Sandrak) and for a while now he has remained unchallenged in the youth body building circuit. But, my friend Tophet told me about this Italian kid who will blow that Ukranian punk out of the water. His performance name is Musclini, but his real name is Aldo Ciccolini. He is only 10 years old and he has already won the Junior Olympus and Strong Boy competitions. Though there are haters, his father and trainer, Aldo Sr., has denied giving his son any performance enhancing drugs. We'll be rooting for you to break Little Hercules' record, Musclini! Look at this kid, though. He is the real deal. Here he is lifting the world's largest Genoa Salami at the 2006 Sausage Fest. The thing weighs over 500 pounds!!! Musclini Musclini!

Movie Review: "Who Made the Potatoe Salad?"

Sometimes, guys, life gets too crazy, sexy, cool and you need a break. Well, after watching all six and a half hours of the "Betray-us Report" I needed a break. And when you need a laugh, there's one name you turn to: Jaleel White. I recently discovered White's latest film "Who Made the Potatoe Salad?" at the local Target. From the cover, I could tell this was going to be as good, if not better, than Jaleel's last outing, "Dreamgirls" (not enough Jaleel!). Anyway, even before the movie starts (with the mispelling of "potato") "Salad" delivers the goods.


Plot: An urban romantic comedy about a young San Diego policeman who travels to Los Angeles with his fiancée to meet her dysfunctional family and announce their engagement.

And that's just the beginning. The funniest part was when Mookie, the girl's cousin, went off about the potato salad, and Granpa made lil Ray Ray cry when he talked about the punch.

Don't believe me? Here's a clip. Rent it or buy it, quick. You won't regret "Who Made the Potatoe Salad?"

Robo in Town!

Did you guys see the VMAs last night? Hortence made me watch them, but I'm so glad I did. Chris Brown's dance performance was amazing. While he was popping and locking and flipping and flopping, I told Hortence that he moved like a robot (with robot-like precision).

Anyway, this must have stuck with her because last night, she had night terrors and sat up in bed, screaming. She was shouting in a voice like the Black homeless man by her work. I thought someone else was in the bedroom, I was so scared. She was yelling, "Here come the po-lice! It's RoboCop! Here come RoboCop! Robo in Town! Robo in Town!!!"


Finally, she calmed down and went back to sleep. I was so shaken up by the episode, I couldn't really relax. I watched the sun rise, though; it's rising earlier and earlier now that summer's ending. And, right as I started to doze off, my alarm rang and it was time to wake up. Oh well, no rest for the wicked.

Prognosis Negative

Bad news guys :( You know those bloody noses I've been having? We'll they're not because of a sinus infection. The doctors took an X-Ray of my stomach, because I also have been having really bad pains. And, the X-Rays revealed that I have over 26 needles stuck in various parts of my body. That's right, 26!! Some of them even made their way up to my sinus cavity (hence the bloody noses). Apparently, the doctors said that the needles were stuck in me when I was young, like before I was three. They say it must have been done by a family member or caretaker. But, my mom used to stay home with me until I went to kindergarten. I hope that my mom didn't stick these needles in me, why would she? Now I need multiple surgeries. Fortunately, the hospital is providing all the surgeries for free. Thank you all for supporting me during this rough time. I'll be okay; I just wish my mom was alive so I could ask her why she would do this to me. I really loved her.

Here is the aforementioned X-Ray:

Kabuki Performance

Hey everybody. Tomorrow night is the premier performance of the Kidbuki Theatre Group, the world's only Kabuki company made up of child actors 10 and under. The kids and I have worked really hard all month, and I have learned so much from all their talent and courage. We will be performing:

Kanadehon Chūshingura (Treasury of Loyal Retainers)

It is the famous story of the Forty-seven Ronin who track down their lord's killer, and exact revenge upon him before committing seppuku as required by their code of honor upon the death of their lord.

The performance is located at:
Stromboli's Fish Market
(in the basement)
157 Teaticket Hwy
East Falmouth MA 02536

It starts at 2pm. I know that's early, but the performance is 6 hours and the actors have bedtimes.

Hope to see you there!

One of my favorite students and friends, Tophet, as a Ronin.

WHISKAS®

I am so excited, gang. Today, I grew my first whisker!! It took a while and it hurt a lot (especially when it broke through the skin) and there was a lot of blood. But it was worth it. I'll be a full-grown cat in no time! The book says that the whole transformation will take 38 months. Check back to see my progress!

Before:


After:

O Mio Bambino Dead-O

Luciano Pavarotting, in a 1995 performance of Puccini's "Mio Fazzoletto di Canto e Io" ("My Singing Handkerchief and Me").

Does it bother the other two tenors that death comes in threes?